Tuesday, February 10, 2015

On My Heart Lately ...

This post is going to be a little more on the serious side. This past week seems to have been a roller coaster of emotion for me. I felt that there were days that I was over the moon happy and crazy productive and then days I just sat and reflected on certain issues. It wasn't the normal winter blues that I was used to and I felt more in my head than normal.
Here are a couple of things that I have been reflecting on as of late:

+ At the end of last year, my husband and I have started to watch the amount of sugar that we have been consuming. It was a lot due to the fact that we are both huge candy lovers. Cutting down on sugar has not only helped us with boosting our energies, but our bodies feel amazing. Even yesterday I had a piece of cake and I felt so sick afterwards. My body is no longer used to having a ton of sugar and I love it. The only frustrating bit about this transformation is that it feels like no one understands why I am doing what I am doing. More so when it comes to Bug. We hardly ever let her have sugar like cake or ice cream or juice. She doesn't need it. She is only fourteen months old and she isn't missing out on anything. I am not a horrible mom for choosing to avoid such sugars whenever its around. I am not too picky when it comes to sugars in products, although I still try to keep it to the lower amounts whenever I can. I am getting frustrated whenever people look at me like I am crazy. Especially when she is perfectly happy with frozen corn or blueberries. As a bonus, I have noticed that since I have been giving her less sugary things she has been wanting to eat more veggies than fruits. It has been a great transition for us. I just hate defending my position.

+ I realized this week that I will not be able to do the West Coast Trail with my husband. I was thinking of only myself and loving the idea of going for a week without my baby, to take a break as a mother and enjoy nature. However, we are realizing that it won't be a week long trip that originally was planned. With everyone going, the hours added up and when I looked at it realistically - the trip was going to take anywhere from ten to fifteen days. I knew that it would be a hard length of time to be a way from Bug, but I switched it around and wondered if it would be fair to Bug if I went away for that long. I cannot even come to a conclusion where I think it could ever be fair to her. I just cannot do it to her. Not at this age. I still want my husband to go because he has been wanting to go for so long, and I am excited for him, but a little sad. We are talking about possibly going next year, or the year after, when Bug is a little older.

+ I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. It has been so long since I had a nightmare that it took a lot out of me. Normally I can shake them off or pray and feel better right away. However, this one was about Bug and I couldn't shake it. I actually had to wake my husband up to go check the house for locked doors, then asked for him to pray for me, and then I cuddled with him, but still, I couldn't go back to sleep. I started thinking about what changed, why did I have a nightmare as it has been so long. Then I realized that for the first time in a long time, I prayed for a friend who is dealing with some life trouble and who doesn't believe in Jesus. So I prayed for him again. It was such a horrible dream that for a split second I had the thought of just wanting to go back to my "old dreams" and never pray for anyone who needed it again. But I know that that is not the way. So I prayed again. I realize that prayer is an area that I have been lacking in for a long while and I want to get back into it. I am thinking of starting up a prayer walk or run again, just to get me back into the habit of it. If anyone has any tips or books that they would recommend, I would appreciate it.

+ I feel like Bug is growing up too fast. I am in a mixed state of wanting to hold her close and wanting her to run as fast as her legs can carry her. I love watching as she learns something new or see her excitement as she realizes that she is walking from room to room with less difficulty. I get excited with her. Then I marvel at how big she is. Wasn't it just yesterday that she was a little baby? I completely agree with Danielle when she mentions that having a baby is like "having your heart walk outside of your body." Bug is my heart. Even though I am ecstatic that she is growing up, my heart hurts. "Love is so strong that sometimes it feels like pain..." Thank you Danielle for writing that beautiful piece. It has summed up my feelings exactly.

+ I feel frustrated that I cannot get my crafts out fast enough. I know that I have talked about this before, but it is something that I am constantly dealing with. I should probably stop going on Pinterest. Too many beautiful things to look at and dream about and want to create.
Thank you so much for letting my heart ramble. I find it is always a good thing to write about my frustrations or issues that I am dealing with, just to get it out there and stop holding it in so tight to my chest. I would love any feedback, suggestions, thoughts, and prayers. You guys are wonderful. xo 

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