Tuesday, February 24

A Blah Day

I don't recall if I have gone into huge detail about this, but I have been taking a bit of a break from the artistic, creativity world. I have felt the blah attitudes of Winter, and in February as the weather got warmer, I got a cold that has lasted for far too long. It has been mentally and physically draining.
Lately, due to being around a lot of creative people, I have felt the inspiring juices flowing and it was all that I could do to contain my excitement for all sorts of different projects that suddenly plopped inside of my head. I couldn't wait to get back home (I took a mini vacation) to start up some of the things that I have been putting of and to start creating the new. It was time. Time to stop avoiding the art and to just create. Just put whatever is on my heart onto paper or into other things; molding and allowing them to become pretty treasures.

Today was a day that I tried so hard to create. Create something beautiful from nothing special and the end resulted in paint speckled fingers, destroyed paintbrushes and a messy, ugly project. Normally, it would hit me so hard that the project I was trying to get out of my head and into the real world failed me. I would have been happy at my painted hands and art supplies piled on the table. I would have cleaned up knowing that I tried and that just because what I was trying to create didn't make sense to me the way I thought it would, that it was still an attempt. Usually I am happy with attempts.

But not today.

Today I sighed. I cleaned up only what I had to. I might have cried if Bug wasn't awake. The mess of projects gone wrong just seem to fill me with numbness. Like I almost didn't expect it to become anything beautiful. I know. Its just a project. Stop being so dramatic. But I thought, if ever anyone else felt this way, that maybe it would be okay to print these words for the world to see. Declaring that its okay to have blah days.

I find that I argue with myself internally. My brain tells me that I should be a better painter. A faster knitter. A better blogger or photographer. That I should get my crap together and find an area in the art world that I like to work in and just stay in it. It tells me that I should write more often and tell stories better. That the reason I am not seeing the results that I want is because I am lacking heart and courage and the will to just do it or try it or stay at it longer. That I should be perfect. And that people should be loving all that I do.

My heart tells me a different story. That its okay to get messy, to have bad days. That there is no black and white line. That its about growing, and doing, and loving, and doing it some more. That we should be okay with dealing with messes and change. That there can be days where I don't even want to touch any craft. Or on days like today, when it just doesn't work out, that its really okay. I don't need to be perfect. I don't need to be doing this for anyone but myself. To honour God with my creativeness and my imagination. That I really should be focusing on is figuring out what I love and just do it. Even if it means that I love to knit and paint and draw and write and ... If I love to do bits of everything, why is my brain trying to tell me to focus on one thing?

Sigh.

My challenge now is to pick up my art supplies tomorrow, to not call it quits. Sometimes I want to call it quits. Sometimes art is messy as life can be messy. I need to remember that if a project doesn't go the way I envisioned it does not make me a bad artist or a failure or embarrassment to the art world. Sometimes there are off days and wrong moods. Sometimes I push myself too hard or I try and use the wrong supplies for the projects I am dreaming about.

And in the whole scheme of things : its okay.

Art is what I do for myself and I SHOULD be the only person that I do it for. There should be no pressure. And there should be no comparing or measuring myself up to another. We are all different. I am sure every single artist at one point or another had a bad day. We are all human and it just seems natural for us to try and compare ourselves to another. I need to get over this mentality.

So I shrug off the disappointment, breathe in the new and out the old, maybe even pick up my paint and try again? Try try again. Letting go of whatever it was that was holding me back, scrap the mentality of failure, and try again

Have you ever had a blah day?

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