Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Journal Day #13 - State of Me

This week, write a "State of Me" address. Write about how you're really doing- what you've been thinking, what you've been up to. What have you accomplished lately? Where is there room for growth? Where are you right now in life and where are you headed? Current joys, currents sadness...write it all out. Discuss the current state of YOU. From Sometimes Sweet.

Oh boy. Writing this one was hard. Only as I normally don't sit around and think about how I am really doing. Here goes.

Right now I would have to say I am partially packed with every single emotion (maybe not ever single one) and that they are all kind of floating about in my head. Meaning? Well, to break it down ... At this moment, as I write this, I am extremely content. Life is great. We are settling into our new home just nicely, have been spending lots of time outdoors (just what I wanted), have been focusing on my bucket list, as well as spending lots of time with my daughter. She is growing so fast and I am trying to spend as much time with her as possible since I know that one day she will be "too old" for cuddles.

Then I go through my "oh my goodness, I am so stressed" phase. What does that entail? Oh just future stuff. I am trying not to let it stress me out, the future, but its hard not to get carried away by the "buts," "what ifs," and "if onlys." I am trying to focus on TODAY, but every once in a while, the fears of tomorrow fill my brain & I go into a little bit of a panic.

Sadness. Grieving & mourning for that past. I miss Oman desperately. I miss being overseas. It feels like an amazing dream now, memories slowly fading into a question of "did that really happen?" I loved everything about it and I am so fortunate for the experience we were able to have in Oman. And don't get me wrong, I love being back in Canada. I just miss Oman. I miss the ocean. I miss the culture. I miss everything. I am so thankful for what we did experience. I just hope one day that we will be able to travel again and see that beautiful place once more.

Excitement. FOR THE FUTURE. What? Wait... didn't you just say you were stressed about the future? Yes, yes I did. But with all stressful, new changes comes excitement. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds for us. I cannot wait to photograph the places we have been, hear more giggles from Bug, hang out with more friends, etc. The future is a big, white canvas of nothing, waiting to be filled with everything. Joy. Heartache. Growth. Love. Laughter ... Sometimes I get caught up in ideas, hopes, and dreams of the future. Daydreams. What will tomorrow hold?

Content. Recently we moved into a new place and with that move, we decided to have the television in our bedroom. Now, I know some would say that it would be a mistake to move it there, but for us, it was the right move. We (my husband & I) love our television. We love getting caught up in different stories. There were days when we would put the television on with our supper and we would keep it on till bedtime. I had forgotten what it was like to not listen to anything. It has been a hard transition of relearning to listen to the sound of silence, but even as I write this, the only noise I can hear are the birds in the trees, the distant traffic, and every once in a while an overhear airplane, destination unknown.

With my new love for the quiet, I have found joys in daily walks with Bug, learning to play the ukulele (something that has been on my bucket list for years), writing, reading, knitting, and just sitting. Taking it all in. The fresh air, this fresh take on life, reflecting, breathing, siting, being. I love it.

So I guess, overall, I am content. This is the largest state of mind that I have been finding myself in for a while now. Perfectly and utterly content. Learning to live out my dreams, learning to take it one step at a time, learning to be in the moment, learning how to healthily mourn the past, learning how to make plans for the future, learning how to be the best mom I can be, learning how to be the best wife I can be, and to be quiet honest with you all, learning that THIS LIFE is our story, ours. I have always compared or have been compared by others on the way we live our life. I am learning that this is us. It is about us. And that its okay if we don't have _______ (insert in the blank). We have each other, we have love, we have laughter, we have health, and we have family. What more can anybody in this entire world ask for?

(I know that I have skipped Journal Day #12. The subject matter was something that, at this moment in time, I was unable to form what my thoughts were on the subject. I am hoping to eventually go back and write it, but for the time being, I am skipping ahead onto different topics.) 

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