Tuesday, December 17, 2013

The Lovebug: Past the Due Date

What a journey we have been on. And now the Lovebug's due date has come and gone. I am secretly surprised as I was really expecting an early baby - I must be more relaxed than I thought! She must love being inside where she is all warm and cozy and is getting everything she needs. No snow. I sometimes wonder if she is staying inside because I promised her sand for her birthday and not snow. I also wonder if she can sense fear - not that I am afraid to be a mother, but I am clueless as to all the changes that will be taking place once she is here. I am excited to be a mother. I have wanted to be a mother for years. I think thats part of the reason why waiting is so bloody hard. No, I just feel clueless. I know what to expect, I have read all (most of) the books, I know how to act to certain situations, I know what things are coming, but at the same time I am not a learner to just read and say "I am ready." I must get hands-on. That is how I learn. So I will tell you I have read everything I can about everything (maybe?) there is to know in a normal, routine pregnancy, birth and first year of a babies life. However, I really won't know what its like until she gets here. I guess "afraid" is the wrong word ... but I don't really know a word that fits how I feel at this moment. I wonder if she is giving me a few more "relaxing"* days before she comes out into our beautiful, bright, snowy world. The snow isn't so bad.   

Then I have moments in which I just trust in the Lord. He knows what He is doing. He knows what day she will be born. He has a plan and a purpose. Like maybe we are supposed to be at the hospital a certain day, whether to bless someone else or maybe it will be less busy. Maybe it has to do with the weather? Or maybe the Lovebug really isn't quite knitted up perfectly yet. So our wishing her to come early is silly since she could come, but she might not be ready too and He is waiting a little bit to make sure she is perfect. Maybe the Hub needs to work more days and get a little extra money, because maybe something will happen and we will need that cash. Maybe God doesn't want me to help move our house (even though that makes me feel sick to not be apart of that process ... I am hands-on, I need to be apart of what goes where and should we even bring this) and thus He is giving me a HUGE reason to stand still and wait. Maybe I just need to find the peace in all of this. Trust me, its a working progress. Like I mentioned above, I have wanted this (to be a mother) for a very long time, so to say "oh, well, she will come when she comes and I will just sit here and knit and daydream of her and sing her songs ..." nice in theory but painfully hard to act out when one is THIS pregnant. 

I have moments that I feel at peace. I can relax. I start reading a book. Then I am reminded of how awesome its going to be a mom, and I feel excited again ... the book no longer holds any interest to me and I just sit, or sleep or try to find something in my room to clean, because I just cannot wait to hold our little girl in my hands. This is what has been going on inside of my mind and heart that last few days. I might not be as "perky" as I once was, but its only because my mind and heart are focused on her, our lady, our Lovebug. Please come out soon, dear! 

 Maybe? come on out Lovebug, come see Christmas!
 I am 40 weeks pregnant today. I am really THAT pregnant. (hey! I can see my feet!) 
I like looking into her drawers. Look at all the pink. 

And I secretly hope that by posting this blog post about my process of waiting for her, will make her come faster. Usually when I get to the point of trying to relax and wait for change, is usually when change occurs in my life. Ironic, no? 

* I say "relaxing" in a ironic way since her not being here is causing more tension than anything. Not bad tension, just a I WANT TO MEET YOU AND HOW CAN I POSSIBLY RELAX WHEN I AM TIRED, OR SORE, OR JUST BORED OUT OF MY MIND. sigh.

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